the winner of U.S jokes Contest

Grand Prize USD50,000.00
1) Newly wed girl told mom her husband is still a virgin.
Mom asked “How do you know dear?”
Girl replied “Last night, when we made love, his cock was still in plastic cover.”
First Prize USD25,000.00


(2) Immigrant Worker: “Sir, me no come to work, me sick.”
Boss: ” When I am sick, I have sex with my wife – try it.”
2 hours later>>Immigrant Worker: “Boss! It worked! Me ok now. You got nice house.”
10 Consolation Prize USD10,000.00 each


(3) After sex, a newly wed wife kept fondling her husband’s cock.
Husband asked: “Why? Want to have sex again?”
Wife replied: “No dear, I just admiring your cock. I used to have one before.”


(4) Women’s lives are hard. Morning, wash clothes. Noon, hang clothes.
Evening, keep clothes. Nite, iron clothes..
Midnight, take off clothes. After midnight, find clothes.


(5) Priest lost his chicken and asked during mass:
“Anyone got a cock?” All men rose.
“I meant anyone seen a cock?” All women rose.
“I mean anyone seen my cock?” All nuns rose.


(6) A Sad story>> A woman’s husband died and she had him cremated.
She then blew his ashes into the ocean and said,
” Sweetheart, this is my last blowjob for you.”


(7) Girl: “Mom what is a penis?”
Mom: “When you become a good girl, you will get one.”
Girl: “But mom, what if I am not a good girl?”
Mom: “Then you will get many, dear!”


(8) A lawyer who was confused in his mathematics asked his secretary:
“If I give you USD3 million less 17.5%, how much would you take off?”
Secretary: “Everything sir! Dress, Bra, Panties, Everything.”


(9) Schoolgirl: “I do not want to take the sex Education class.”
Teacher: “Why?”
Schoolgirl: “Someone told me that the final exam will be Oral.”


(10) Two sperms talking on mobile phone.
Ist: “I’m somewhere between the fallopian tube and uterus. Are you close-by?”
2nd: “No boy, I am taking a different route. I am just crossing the tonsils.”


(11) Scientists have discovered that the lightest thing in the world is a penis.
This is because it can be lifted up even by just a simple thought.

lawyer on a desert

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months.The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming. 


One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction." The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating you've finally lost your mind." But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunning red head, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person. 


The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman.


It's been such a long, long time....


So ... do you think we should ..


well ..


you know ...


screw her?" "Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other.

stupid superhero

Why is Superman stupid?
Because he wears his underwear over his pants.


Why is Batman more stupid?
Because he wears his underwear over his pants and puts on a belt over his underwear.


Why is Robin even more stupid?
Because he followed what batman did.


Why is Spider-man the most stupid superhero of them all?
Because he wears his underwear over his head.

girls night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.


The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

poor guy

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.


He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:


"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."


To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

bride and husband

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"


"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.


And then they made love for the first time.


Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.


Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."


Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."


After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"


The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.


Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.


She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."


Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

birthday gift

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.


They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"


His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."


When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.


His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"


"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."


A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"


Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.


Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.


The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

church bells

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.


When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."


Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.


"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."


She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

last day on the job

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.


When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.


At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.


The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.


At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.


She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.


When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.


When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.


As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"


"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."


He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."


The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

the tiger

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."


The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."


The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."


"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"


"Tiger Woods."


"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"


"Yeah."


"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."


The husband and wife then make passionate love.


When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.


"What are you doing?" asks the wife.


The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."


"Tiger wouldn't do that."


"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"


"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."


The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.


When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.


The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."


"Tiger wouldn't do that."


"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"


"He'd come back to bed and do it again."


The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.


When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.


The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"


"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

the less you know, the more you make

"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."


This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:


1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.


As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time


Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money


It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.


Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.


Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.


Conclusion:
The less you know,the more you make.

Windows is a virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:


1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.


2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.


3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.


4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.


5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.


Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.


So Windows is not a virus.


It's a bug.

computer acronyms

PCMCIA
People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms


ISDN
It Still Does Nothing


APPLE
Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity


SCSI
System Can't See It


DOS
Defective Operating System


BASICBill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control


IBM
I Blame Microsoft


DEC
Do Expect Cuts


CD-ROM
Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months


OS/2
Obsolete Soon, Too.


WWW
World Wide Wait


MACINTOSH
Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs


PENTIUM
Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics


COBOL
Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language


AMIGA
A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction


LISP
Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis


MIPS
Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed


WINDOWS
Will Install Needless Data On Whole System


GIRO
Garbage In Rubbish Out


MICROSOFT
Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers.

General Motor in computer industry

At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that:


"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got1,000 miles to the gallon."


General Motors has issued a press release stating:


1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.


2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.


3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
would just accept this, restart and drive on.


4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.


5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car XP" or "Car 2000". But then you would have to buy more seats.


6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5% of the roads.


7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning light would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.


8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.


9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.


10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.


11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the justice dept.


12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.


13. You would press the "start " button to shut off the engine.

heaven and hell

In Heaven:


The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.


In Hell:


The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.




In Computer Heaven:


The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.


In Computer Hell:


The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.

respectfully cheating

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.


"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"


"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."


"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."


"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."


"Three? When were they?"


"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"


"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"


"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"


"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"


"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

impossible to please

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.


The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."


So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.


The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.


They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."


They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.


On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.


There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

i do anything

A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.


"I would do anything to pass this exam."


She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.


"I mean.." she whispers, "..I would do ANYTHING!!"


He returns her gaze. "Anything??"


"Yes,.. Anything!" She says.


His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you.. study??"

just before die

Showing his friend around his his home, Jennings pointed out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.


"The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth."


"Well," his friend replies, "since you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, you'll never be able to sell!"


"And that's where you're wrong," the man smiled. "If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"

things you never used

Donna arrived home from work early one day and found her husband, Glen, in bed with another woman. "That's it!" she shouted, "I'm leaving and I'm not coming back!"


"Wait honey," Glen pleaded, "Can't you at least let me explain?"


"Fine, let's hear your story," Donna replied.


"Well, I was driving home when I saw this poor young lady sitting at the side of the road, barefoot, torn clothes, covered in mud and sobbing," explained Glen.


"I immediately took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up. She got into the car and I brought her home. After she took a shower, I gave her a pair of the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the dress that I bought you last year that you never wore, the pair of shoes you bought but never used and even gave her some of the turkey you had in the refrigerator but didn't serve to me."


"Then," Glen continued, "I showed her to the door and she thanked me. As she was walking down the step, she turned around and asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'"

you caught my eyes

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his hand out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.


"Is this yours?" he asked.


She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.


On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty, would you like to join me?"


He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"


The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"


"No," she replied, "only those who catch my eye."

you're a statute

A woman and her lover are in bed together when hubbie comes home. The woman jumps up, shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder.


'Don't move! You're a statue!'


The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new decoration. The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently, and if they could get one, so could she.


The married couple go to bed, but at midnight the husband goes downstairs, gets a glass of milk and some cookies, and comes back upstairs. He hands the snack to the statue and says, "Here. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths', and they never fed me a thing!"

my rules

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not."

marriage lesson

On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.


"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"


Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

money talks

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:


"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."


He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.


On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"


The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."


The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

memory class

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.


A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.


"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.


"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"


"A rose?" asked the neighbor.


"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

so much fun

A suspicious husband hired a private eye to check on the movements of his wife. In addition to a written report, the husband wanted a video of his wife's activities.


A week later, the detective returned with a film. They sat down together and proceeded to watch it.


Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them strolling arm in arm and laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw them take part in a dozen activities with utter glee.


"I just can't believe this," said the distraught husband.


"What's not to believe?" the detective said. "It's right up there on the screen!"


"I simply can't believe my wife could be so much fun!" the husband replied.

men always remember anniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.


She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.


"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"


The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.


The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.


The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"


"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.


The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.


He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.


She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"


The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.


Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.


She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.


Bob has been missing since Friday.

writer quotes

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Tom Clancy


I never know what I think about something until I read what I've written on it.
William Faulkner


I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.
Steve Martin


I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.
Mel Brooks


It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
Robert Benchley


A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.
William Faulkner


The free-lance writer is the person who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.
Robert Benchley