10. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY
SHOELACES! AAAGH!"
9. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back
permed.
8. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties
matches the color of your beard.
7. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and
spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
6. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as
religious tracts.
5. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on
gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.
4. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room
attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leak proof".
3. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play
only in Spanish.
2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson
if they make your butt look big.
1. Show people your driver's license and demand to know
"whether they've seen this man."
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